Park Jefferson

by Park Jefferson

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credits

released August 21, 2013

recorded by nick stutsman
mixed/mastered by mike mellen
songs by park jefferson

Park Jefferson is/was, at one point or another:
Nick Stutsman
Ozzy Albor
Kyle Roberts
Scott Henderson
Dave Purcell
Mike Mellen

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Park Jefferson Michigan, Indiana

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Track Name: Classy Milani
I'll wake my eyes when it's time,
it's been a year and I'm getting tired of waiting up for you.
I'll hold your hand when you come down,
God knows this is the last sad song you're getting out of me.

Hold my head up so I can see right past your bullshit
and this tired conversation is going nowhere.

I'll amputate my arms so I'll never reach out to yours again.
I felt the sun set lying in a cornfield with Devin.

Coastlines turn to canvases before our eyes.
Letters sent stamped with goodbyes.

When I wake up I see painted birds that represent something that's become nothing. We've become nothing.

What once helped me breathe is eating my lungs and choking me up.
"People that we think we love, it's them we cannot trust."

So, I'll move to Portland by myself. Buy some furniture and silverware, and eat dinner all alone. I'm sorry for complaining all the time, this'll be the last time that I write. Just like I said, I won't pick up the phone.
Track Name: MacMailman
Do you remember all the words to the songs we sang back when we were young? 'Cause all I remember is coming home to empty bedrooms, heart attacks and "son, I'm sorry"s.

I feel best when I'm alone.

Please help me understand how this became the mess that it is.
But it is over now, it's over now.
And I've said everything that I can say, I've been done with this for days and years.
It's over now, it's over now.
Track Name: Better Boy
Let's hold our heads up, just tonight, and pretend that we're okay.
'Cause we're okay, right?
Dear God, I am still your son, right?

God damn it, I need you.
I don't know you at all anymore,
and I wanted to feel something better than what I once knew.

But I am alone tonight, while the kids are out high. I am alone tonight. Do you remember this like I remember you?

AYYYYY.

I will wake up beside you someday when we're both alone and lonely; someday when I find the time to be a better boy. I'll be a better boy.

'Cause if I've ever wanted one thing, it'd be the last two years of our lives back. And if I could ever tell you something, it'd be that "I still love you. I will be a better boy if it means that you will stay here."
I will be a better boy, a better boy.
Track Name: Monuments
I thought I'd write to you and let you know that I'm still dramatic and sixteen. I thought I'd call you and tell you that I'm still miserable without you. I thought I could find you at the bottom of a plastic cup, but like we both knew, nothing ever helps the swelling inside our chests. There's nothing left. Now we visit our love like a long, lost monument; forever forgotten.

Part of me won't finish this story.
I'm holding on but you won't hold on for me.
Face down, complacent eyes.
Finding a place to die.

I'm not who I was, and I think I'm proud of that. But, in a few more months, will I still say the same thing? When I'm at my worst, you seem to be at your best. And I can't put this into words, but I'm so glad you never wrote back.
Track Name: Dead or Dying
I'm cutting holes in the back of my eyes to make room for all the black skies that I can't see, and can't see me. Making friends with some kids from a new town. Buried bodies coming up from the ground now, and I am dead or dying. I am tired of trying now.

I spent a month living out on the East coast, it made me realize who I love most and that's not you. I'm sorry for the things that I said, dear, but you and I were left in last year, and now we're gone. We've been for so long.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm dying.
And my lungs are turning black from the smoking,
but I am not afraid.
No, I am not afraid.
Track Name: There's Too Much Talk About Ghosts
I'm taking pictures of the people that belong on my wall. Just to remind myself of the way it was last fall, when I could sleep. I can't sleep. And I can't do this, Em. You're fading and I've turned to black, as far as I can tell. No, I can't do this, Emily. You can't just put your trust in me, I'll fail you once again.

Once again I fade to black, it's too late to call. It's too late and nothing will ever be the same at all.

I'm restless like the summer, worn out like father's day cards. Dripping from top-floor windows, I threw up blood and crashed my car.
Track Name: You Shouldn't Even Know Who That Is
We burnt out like cassettes that won't play. I understand now why you couldn't stay. "I'm really sorry." I tried to hold onto your crooked hands but should've let go. It's pointless now but I think you should know I realize that I was wrong.

I'll slit my throat, turn into a ghost, cross my fingers and never let go.

I've got a feeling in my head and my heart, we try to keep ourselves together but we're falling apart. Try to explain just why we can't keep ourselves in tact, it's true, but explanations won't do us any good, anymore.
Track Name: A Homemade Portland
Well I was hoping you'd notice my haircut.
And I was hoping you'd be there in the morning.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
But, if you wanted me to stay, why didn't you just say so?
If you want me to I could tell you anything you want to hear tonight.

I've been drowning in plastic cups, hoping for someone to notice.
But Devin is my best friend and we've been lighting up at recess.

Down by the lakeside, we were climbing every wall. We were kids. We were hopeless. And all we wanted was some sort of constance. But I believe in something better. And I won't walk away, if you let me I will be there in the morning.

We built a homemade Portland out of blankets and the chairs in your basement.
Track Name: Closet Anthem
When i was younger, my dad would hold me near his chest. I could hear his young heart beating but now there is nothing left. He's buried underground, he just sleeps and sleeps and never wakes his eyes.

So, here's a thank you to you, dad. I'll never recover from always being sad.
I'm done with every sleepless night. My tired bed, well he and I are finally getting sleep.

You and I live different lives, 'cause one of us was innocent in this.
You and I can't deny that one of us was innocent in this.

But I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
Track Name: Merrifield Park
I shift my head so I can't see your eyes. I regret it. I keep saying things I don't mean to people I wont see, maybe for months. I already miss you.

The midwest ain't no home for a girl like you.

Well, it's quiet now and my clothes smell of smoke.
Long car rides home, my favorite songs.
And I've got an aching in my head and my heart.
I'm learning how to live without you again.

And loving you wasn't my choice, but I guess that I'm fine with it. You're just another song to sing. But when I close my eyes, I'll be dreaming of long evenings inside with you.